Healing the Loss

The many causes of grief

Sun, 09 Feb 2020 20:36:11 GMT

February 2, 2019

HEALING THE LOSS

THE MANY CAUSES OF GRIEF

“Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind”'

This definition by the Grief Recovery Method helps us to understand that grief is an appropriate reaction to any loss. When we think of grieving, we know that it happens after a death of a loved one, and perhaps after a divorce or breakup.

Today, I’d like to concentrate on the grief surrounding chronic illness and injury. The ongoing losses that occur under these conditions including looking backwards with regret to see what the illness has taken away, and looking forward, to an uncertain future. These conditions apply to aging and mental health challenges as well.

These are all enormous topics of great depth and complexity, and for the purpose of this column I will just be able to touch on a few points.

Experiencing chronic illness means accumulating a myriad of losses. The width and depth of your losses depend on the severity of your illness and the limitations it causes you. The loss of good health starts a flood of secondary losses.

From a column in Social Work Today, Mila Tecala of the Centre for Loss and Grief in Washington, DC, explains that “depending on the nature of the illness, the losses may include comfort, sexual function, career, income, self-efficacy, freedom, cognitive function, intimacy, pride, joy, self-esteem, self-control, independence, mental health, hope, dignity and certainty. In the most extreme cases, one illness may bring about all of these losses, sometimes over and over again.”

The grief surrounding these losses may go unrecognized, not only by the person with the illness, but by their loved ones as well. There is such pressure to be “fine,” and the urge not to burden the people who love you by expressing your valid grief. This can have additional severe consequences for your overall health and well being.

Tecala goes on to say “because chronic illness can strip away many of the characteristics that form identity at the same time it causes disability and the loss of livelihood, the totality of the losses is potentially enormous. Since these losses aren’t tied to one event but are multiple and repetitive, the ill person may live with perpetual grief, known as chronic sorrow or sadness.”

The ripple effect of chronic illness on family members and loved ones can be profound, as they realize that their loved one’s future is changed, and they may not be able to participate or contribute as they once did. Family members and partners face having to be a caregiver to their loved one experiencing the chronic illness, which also changes their lives, and their hopes and dreams as well. This is a complicated mix of emotions, and feelings of loss, guilt, resentment, anger, fear and grief that needs to be expressed.

In many cases people with chronic illness may not realize that they are experiencing manifestations of grief. Health care providers who are concentrating on treatment may also be unaware, or not have the time or resources to help. There is still stigma attached to seeking help and support, so many people feel isolated in their losses and their grief.

Friends and family can be incredibly supportive; however, they may not know how to help, or they may be so overwhelmed that they do not have the strength, time, or ability to know what to do. They are also grieving along with the person experiencing the illness, just in different ways and depths.

When someone who is living with chronic illness of any kind reaches out to you for support -- which is incredibly difficult to do – be very careful not to be dismissive, or invalidate their concerns.

For example, saying “it could be worse,” or “you look fine,” are statements that invalidate a person’s emotional suffering. Listening, witnessing, and offering empathy is a huge gift, as I have stated many times. By doing this, you are offering a place for unloading their burden and opening up room for a little joy, if only for a time.

It’s hard to ask for help. People do not want to be a burden, and they can become isolated, which creates a never-ending loop of more misery. If a loved one is living with chronic illness, make sure you reach out and address the isolation. Do not forget about the caregivers, and their grief and isolation as well. Give them a break, and support. If you are living with chronic illness, try to reach out, become informed about grief surrounding chronic illness and above all, be compassionate with yourself.

Hilary Scott

Healing the Loss

Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®

Certified Loss and Grief Support®

www.healingtheloss.com

hscott@healingtheloss.com

Courage and resilience during great change

Hilaryscott33@gmail.com — Sun, 09 Feb 2020 19:38:18 GMT

March 2018

Healing the Loss

Courage and resilience during great change

“A good half of the art of living is resilience” ~ Alain de Botton

Loss can happen in slow increments. You may be anticipating the time when life will change greatly if you have a loved one with a terminal illness. Or loss can happen so suddenly that you remain in shock at its catastrophic occurrence far longer than you thought possible.

Over time, the impact and repercussions of a primary loss are known as secondary losses. This is something that is not generally acknowledged but most always experienced.

Secondary losses can include the loss of companionship, the loss of income and financial security, the loss of your home, employment or business. The loss of familiarity, of feeling safe and secure. Your role will have changed, and along with it, a loss of identity as a spouse, parent, sibling, family member, friend or caregiver.

If the loss is of your own health, it triggers many other losses: loss of mobility, control, functionality, finances.

There is the loss of the milestones without your loved one, the family structure, the hoped-for future together. There can be a loss of a sense of purpose, loss of memories, faith, and motivation. You can experience a change of your support systems: your friends, family, church, social life.

You may lose your strength and energy to work and to pursue activities you once enjoyed. You may experience sadness because friends distance themselves from you as you learn to navigate your changed life.

Many times in life we don’t acknowledge or take the time to grieve an event or loss that has happened to us in the past, for a variety of reasons. Perhaps we are just too busy and have to keep our heads down and keep going. Or perhaps we are told that it doesn’t matter. What can happen at times of great loss is that the accumulated grief from all of the unacknowledged loss over our lives collides with this primary loss and we are completely unprepared for the impact.

In order to mourn a loss, we must recognize and acknowledge it as such. We must acknowledge the importance and the validity of the ongoing secondary losses in our lives as we adapt, adjust and change to learn how to live without our loved one in this new role.

We can be surprised by our grief, the depth of it, how long it lasts, how it demands to be heard and felt and the physical and emotional consequences of not doing so.

Jill LaMoire from the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors says that “the changes death brings are physical, personal, social, spiritual, emotional and psychological. Death alters our environment to include a defined ending and the demand for a new beginning.” She goes on to say that “family and friends also need to recognize secondary losses and the associated grief they bring. In wanting to see their loved ones happy and ‘getting on with life’, they can unwittingly deny or disenfranchise real feelings of grief. Awareness, patience and understanding can help allow us to move through our grief.”

Navigating our way after a profound loss takes a lot of courage. It takes resilience. When a difficult grief-inducing moment happens (and this moment can be as seemingly harmless as “what does your husband do?” or “how many children do you have?” or “do you have any brothers or sisters?”) and you are taken out by the wave of sadness and shock that these simple questions produce.

When this happens, acknowledge the grief.

Validate and give yourself permission to be sad. You are honouring yourself, and the unique relationship you had with your loved one who died.

Carrying on, just simply carrying on after your whole life has changed is courageous and brave and resilient.

Hilary Scott is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist ® and a Certified Loss and Grief Support® Contact her at hscott@healingtheloss.com, 902 529 0021

Healing the Loss on Facebook, www.healingtheloss.com

There is no right way to grieve

Hilaryscott33@gmail.com — Sun, 09 Feb 2020 19:30:30 GMT

APRIL 2018 COLUMN

HEALING THE LOSS

THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE

“THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE. BUT THERE IS ONE WRONG WAY: TRYING NOT TO GRIEVE. NEVER GIVE IN TO PRESSURE TO HIDE OR SHAME YOUR PAIN. YOUR LOSS BELONGS TO YOU” ~ TIM LAWRENCE

Last months column touched on the idea of secondary losses after your primary loss. This is such a large subject and worth looking into a little bit more.

We have just passed Easter. Another big family holiday which can be rife with all kinds of pain for those experiencing loss.

Even if your family is in tact, people who have children who are now grown can have feelings of grief around missing the traditions when their children were small. If you are going through financial hardship you are longing to provide more for family and yourself. If you are trying to navigate through divorce or breakup, this is a very distressing time.

If you have been through the death of a loved one, you are missing their presence deeply. The empty chair is spotlighted and traditions, if carried on, have a very bittersweet quality to them.

We are coming in to a new season. Spring being the season of renewal and rebirth. It brings with it much longer days and warmer weather. This change can be hard on people who are used to the comfort of being home and cozy with nothing much expected of them as they can kind of hibernate during the colder months and take needed time for healing.

Spring and summer have assumptions of being out and social and doing things. This, to most of us, is a welcome change. To one who is grieving, it is another hurdle to navigate. Another season coming without their loved one or their life being in the place they hope for.

Grieving is exhausting. It comes with physical symptoms of overwhelming fatigue, confusion, concentration difficulties, sleep and appetite changes, aches and pains, anxiety attacks and so many more. These symptoms can last for far longer that anyone expects causing you to be very stressed about your health which then can compromise your immune system and round it goes.

We are taken by surprise at all the different faces and facets of grief. It really is something you do not understand until you experience it for yourself and of course everyone grieves differently and on different timelines and intensities than someone else. There is no comparing loss.

This is why it is so very difficult for our friends and loved ones to understand and to be truly able to support us in our loss. They try so very hard with the timelines of moving on and keeping busy and what to expect in your grief, not really knowing that the best thing to do is hold space. To be there when they need to talk and share. To invite them out and to be a part of things if they are able.

One of the most harmful of all of the effects of grief is social isolation. Someone experiencing grief over their loss or losses, does not want to be a burden to their friends and loved ones. They do not want to be perceived as the downer. Therefore, they put a positive spin on their life, they over use “I’m fine” and they minimize their pain in order to be included and not upset others. The toll this takes on a person, not being heard and acknowledged, can not be underestimated.

It does not matter how long it has been since your loved one has died. There will be times-holidays, anniversaries, the change of seasons, whatever it may be, that the grief and loss is just as fresh.

Please, remember your loved ones at this time, do not think that someone else has it covered. Call, reach out, be there in person. Show that you care and remember and honour the enormously challenging time they are having. Be it a fresh loss, or a long time ago, your kindness by remembering will be so appreciated and it will come back to you in untold ways.

Hilary Scott is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist ® and a Certified Loss and Grief Support® Contact her at hscott@healingtheloss.com, 902 529 0021

Healing the Loss on Facebook, www.healingtheloss.com

This and that on a dreary day

Tue, 03 Dec 2019 14:52:23 GMT

December 3rd 2019

December 3rd, 2019

First blog on new site.

I hope to become disciplined about writing here as I think it is a great place to be able to really explore authentic thoughts and opinions on loss and grief. A bit more unrestrained than the social media bits or talking to groups.

People have asked me why I do what I do. “isn’t dealing with sad people all the time hard?”

I am a sad person all the time at the base of me.

It does not mean I do not have a huge capacity for happiness, joy, laughter, the absurd, the quiet and all of the soup of stuff that makes us human. Being able to support people in the acknowledgement that there is no ‘wrong’ emotion is an extraordinarily fulfilling and humbling experience.

To companion someone as they have realizations about how their past losses and trauma informs their reactions and responses to events and losses today-seeing how transformative that is for people to understand themselves a bit better…to acknowledge and value themselves a little more.

It is such an honour.

For me it is a reciprocal healing.

Being able to be honest and real -take our masks of daily life off-is restorative. And rare .

My mission in all of this, if I am to have one, is all about acknowledgment and validation and education.

To acknowledge and validate our losses, big and small…it is be able to absorb, learn and live in a healthy way.

When losses are not validated or acknowledged by ourselves or anyone else-and this doesn’t have to be the big losses like death or divorce, it can be the thousands of small slices in life that break us-when they are not acknowledged, they build up.

They hurt our health-mental and physical.

They hurt our joy and capacity.

So…this is all very dry…I will do better.

Laughter and humour, a great dose of being able to see the absurd, laugh at yourself and genuinely be mindful of the decent, the good and the joyful. That is key to building your foundation of contentment alongside your sad.

Hilary

Video Blog

Wed, 09 Oct 2019 20:36:13 GMT

Video Blog

Hilary gives some practical examples of what happens during loss, and how to help those who are grieving. I love the examples of how we can support others, and at the same time it makes me sad that people miss the opportunity to just be kind.

No Quick Fix

Sun, 21 Jul 2019 12:38:42 GMT

No Quick Fix

About five weeks ago I lost my balance and slammed my head into the corner of a wall (Dec 19 2016). I gave myself a pretty wicked concussion and am still dealing with the effects — feeling totally off balance, not able to focus well or be in loud environments. I am unable to multi-task or spend much time with people. Concentrating literally hurts. I am told to rest and be patient. Life is going by and I am pretty much stopped in my tracks. I did not plan for this, or truly understand the ramifications of this injury. I probably still don’t.

I’ve had a lot of time to think while resting my eyes, and I’ve been thinking there are so many parallels to sudden injury and unexpected loss, to grief and healing. When you experience a profound loss the way to healing is to rest. It is listening to your body as it has suffered a shock and trauma. Your life as you knew it, has completely changed. You do not have the energy you once had or the patience or time for things that are no longer truly important.

It is best for you to slow down and be very careful while you are grieving as you are preoccupied and accident prone. Taking time to heal involves limiting your circle of friends and loved ones to people who do not erode your very little energy, people who do not tell you what you should be doing and how you should be feeling. As much as you can, be around people who are understanding and supportive of your healing. Grief can be so very isolating and lonely, and like an injury, no one can heal for you.

My clients often come to me to ask for a faster way to heal from grief. They need the debilitating pain to stop and they want to get back to normal. I wish I had a magic solution. Grief is the natural and normal emotional response to loss. There is no quick or easy way around this but to grieve. To rest, to take care of yourself, teat well and exercise your body; to listen to your own needs and talk through your pain with someone safe who will not invalidate your loss or minimize your feelings. A trusted person who will not give timelines for “getting over it” or make you feel crazy for being sad, someone who will be brave enough to honour and witness your pain, without trying to fix it. I cannot stress the importance of this enough.

Sadness is natural when you’ve experienced profound loss. Your life will not be the same. It will not go back to “normal.” But you will, given much time and healing, integrate the softened grief into your cells and heart where it will become a part of who you are.

Sadness, joy, love and happiness are all part of you. This is what it is to be human.

Hilary Scott is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® and a Certified Grief and Loss Support®. Contact her at hscott@healingtheloss.com. You can find Healing the Loss on Facebook and online at www.healingtheloss.com